Second Quarter Stormer

a mental maelstrom of thoughts

[sometimes i wonder...]

there exists a certain point in time where justice is served. and if ever it is served blindly, and if ever you just have to feel it, then there it goes. without you even anticipating it.

[point1]
there exists a time, minus the beer and the things you have grown accustomed with, where you feel so secure and free, but it is there too where friends' stories hit you (kinda big time), and it leaves you with half a smirk, and half the pang inside your heart. what, should it be a guiltless feeling? no, i think not. because you know it really hit you with reality stings.

[point2]
there exists a time when you really miss someone, and thought you WILL never see each other again, yet like that TSUBASA CHRONICLE ending song says (rough translation here) "If this Earth was flat, the both of us would have never met. / We’d have been running away from each other / without even slowing down. Now, even if we’re separated to the ends of the Earth / we’ll probably face each other again amidst the endlessly looping miracles..." so there. we actually met, quite serendiptiously, but really unexpectedly. though honestly i really don't know the reason for that. but then it left me drained from the perk i felt the whole day.

and a lousy apology to a friend about the matter doesn't help too, i reckon.

[point3]
i AM actually singing this local song ("Lunes" - Join The Club) and it tangled my newly convoluted mind. that went after reading a citrusy post somewhere in cyberspace (i know, you know who you are).

[point4]
should the act of saying "i miss you" really something of importance? you tell me.. right now i really AM lost after seeing that citrusy post.

so there goes. sometimes i wonder where justice is. and i know, this is yet another one of those convoluted thoughts i have. really, please, it's true right now.

*shrugs, shakes head* what a monday, eh.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 10:28 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[the static convolutions of negating things, my way]

look at things i write this way. like someone said, "singungaling ako (i am a liar)." ergo, what i wrote here? they are all bunch of letters which made words and phrases and thoughts that eventually MADE LIES.

ok, i said i'm (trying to be) flying free. reality check, i am NOT. i am happy? its a complete 360 degrees of convolutions. i am sad? there goes the hysteric laugh. i don't miss people who were once upon a time around me? sheesh, i guess you already got the idea right now.

i am free? i will spell it to you. EN. OW. TEE. and if ever i am entitled to a bit of honesty, here goes. honestly, right now? sometimes i hate these thoughts.

or right now you might say its another one of my lies. well, three words. so be it.

take it as it is then. don't ask or bother asking me to have me explain things, or even figuring out everything yourself, because hell, you already know me. and so here's a fitting (convoluted) ending to this otherwise sensible entry: I WILL NOT RESIGN MY POST AT THE SOONEST POSSIBLE TIME BECAUSE I AM SOOOO FITTING IN THIS ORGANIZATION I AM IN!!!

get the picture?

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 21:54 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

[sands down in time]

do you remember one thing that helps drown every BS you have in your life? well i have one. the beach. oops, make it the sea and rocky beaches, like the ones the past two years gave me. but anyway, they served their purpose those times. if only some sand could've have helped.

but this year was different. yep, i really was craving for the saltine spot this earth can give me. albeit the darky waters (compared to the clear waters and fishies anilao gave me last year) and, well, some unlikely "floaters" in the water, everything was ok.

the sand too, was there. at last. and the lesson learned there.

sometimes, i thought, everything comes in your hand. but then again, it slips just as easily. save for some tiny shimmering specks. and you let the most run through your fingers. quite willingly, quite givingly, quite selfishly, most unselfishly.

but then, what can happen to those tiny ones left? while we let go, something is left. and i found myself in an either-or situation once again. right now a AM clueless why it MUST strike at this moment. AND it sucks.

sometimes i gravitate back to that thing i wrote here a couple of months ago, of letting go... i really don't know how the hell it can serve its purpose, when time and tide sends something back which you thought you have had let go already.

and those backlashes really CAN hurt you. again, I FOUND MYSELF IN AN OK STATE YET AGAIN!!! I LOST OK??!!! AND I AM LETTING GO AND MOVING ON!!! WHY NOW!!!?!

if sands of time really flows freely, please... let me sting my eyes with these specks left in my hands, and let them blind me for a while, if it's JUST FOR A WHILE. i'll find my solace in that blindness. sheesh. badtrip 'to pare. promise...

but if ever there's a consolation.... for a kite waiting to fly free.... here's one...

Itatago ko ang iyong larawan, ang imaheng minsang humarap sa salamin, / hanggang sa ang malayang hangin, na nakakulong sa prinsesang bato... / hanggang sa mawasak ang prinsesang bato, / hanggang sa makalaya / ang kulong na bulong / at lumipad / umabot sa ulap / at doon kita hihintaying dumating, / para pagmasdan ang langit puno ng bituing kikislap, / ngingiti sa ating dalawa. -para kay "kite."

i will be there... just you wait... =)

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 23:02 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[to and fro]

i have a story about a kite... kinda like that one i stared at back home. a story, well, kinda, but more of a rumination of sorts.

it makes me wonder why, if ever it felt free to fly, it has to have a string. one can say "steering purposes." others might say "so that it may not be lost" (unless you or others cut the string). still others might go further by saying... "maybe it was never meant to be free."

some curious thoughts there, really. while i watched the kite flutter to and fro in that clear afternoon, those thoughts came. and it kinda struck me big time for, in reality, i kinda felt like that lowly kite. somehow i feel like there are strings attached to me, that even if there were times that i kicked dust away and i felt free, somehow there were things that drag me down.

read my last two post? dont' worry, really i feel so free right now. was it not for this solo thing that somehow saddens me, yup right now.. for i realized that in the moment that i took the wheels of changes in motion, to let others be happy and let them be, i found that, yes, i lost two great friends along the way.

somehow it drags me down, honestly. if it's true that in order for you to gain something you have to lose a thing of equal value... this is so unfair. but then again, it was my own doing. such pendulum swings.

*sigh* but then again, my rest period isn't over, thank god. a few more days and this too will pass. right now, i'm learning to REALLY let go. so this is how it feels....

and sooner than i think, maybe, i'll be a kite flying freely in the sky once again under a vast sunny sky.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 02:55 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

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